Contemplation

Dolly’s mentor is visiting Sir tomorrow and she’s really excited to talk to her! The thing with long distance is that while you can share moments between one another, it’s more difficult to share that with others.

With our relationship being a M/s dynamic it adds to that, because dolly doesn’t have the liberty of being herself, the slave girl, in England and it’s on Sir’s end where she’s much more able to open up. Dolly has felt a bit like it’s her and Sir against the world before since communicating slave thoughts to anyone besides Sir is almost impossible – even before the box comes into play about who she can and can’t talk to. Anyway, it’ll be lovely to talk to her mentor!

Dolly really wishes she was curled up with Sir tonight, for a multitude of reasons (and not just the ones that you’d straightaway expect). Winter has snuck in and it’s suddenly freezing cold and windy, meaning the time between getting into bed and warming up to fall asleep is getting distinctly longer. That has resulted in more time contemplating.

The conclusion girl has come to is that she has a lot more questions about life the dynamic than she thought she did. They’re more like ponderings than questions, because asking them is a bit like “how long is a piece of string?”. In some ways, the way dolly communicates with Sir and vica versa is different across Skype than it will be face to face , even though the principles are the same. Physical contact explains a lot on its own, and Skype lacks that, while other things like physical position and flexibility of instructions aren’t so prevalent. Really, girl doesn’t know is she’ll even have these ponderings once she’s with Sir because there’ll be no conflicts or reasons to only meet halfway due to some outside influence.

Things girl has been mulling over -

-  She is still getting her head around the balance between clearing the way for everything regarding Sir to come first, while still keeping an eye on her own needs/emotions and pointing out when something is causing her trouble.

-  Knowing when things can be adjusted to accommodate her – so that she’s not unhappy or stressed for no reason – but that it’s not about giving her an easy ride and Sir still comes first.

-  Working out what ‘easy ride’ actually describes – she’s really happy in her place as Sir’s slave but dolly doesn’t know whether the necessity to accept things includes accepting when it hurts a bit and quite how and how much. She’s able to accept a lot, and works on that because she wants to be able to – Sir is brilliant just the way he is without trying to fit 100 clauses dolly might have.

-  Being sure that things won’t start seeming vanilla – okay, stupid point, but being this far away you share a lot of ‘normal’ personal time and the consistent flow of the M/s is often buried a bit. Again, this point is stupid. Girl knows Sir  is not vanilla and wants a slave, not a vanilla partner.

-  Girl doesn’t know how much reminding her she’s his slave is appropriate, but she knows that ideally she would like to be reminded regularly, because this whole notion of being a slave and being desired as a slave still feels pretty new. Kinda. But again, she doesn’t want to demand things – that isn’t her place.

-  Why the edges of the box feel kind of blurry and what dolly can do to restrengthen her position in it.

-  Talking too much and not talking at all. Girl would be disheartened if Sir didn’t want to listen to her, but she has to balance that with boring him because the talking might not be welcomed. Knowing when it’s okay to disturb and when it isn’t, when to do something on her own accord but also wanting to be forced sometimes.

Girl wishes she had been more inspired to write blog posts lately, since it has been looking so empty. But she wouldn’t really feel there was a point to writing down random unconnected thoughts unless Sir told her explicitly – she feels like reading something uninteresting wouldn’t add something to Sir’s day in the way that dolly hopes her blog does. Some days she has a head full of interesting things and a blog post gets written, lately that just hasn’t been the case so much. Often it’s just regular things that happen during the day, and the most prominent things in girl’s head are that she needs to be with Sir, and only then can everything else fall into place.

There are parts of her life that Sir can’t control and that’s what really gets to ber some days. Whether she isolates herself or is out and about, there’s no getting around the fact that dolly is only treated as a slave during the time she is with Sir, and nobody else knows about her Owner or the who she is to him. Dolly feels guilty confessing that’s why slave thoughts are often put to the back of her mind, but it’s the truth. She feels like she should be making more effort to think about that side of things as a part of her commitment to developing for Sir.

Correction – dolly thinks a lot about Sir and ‘that side of things’. It’s just less focused thought developing, and more wondering about things happening or future things. Blogging is one time where the thought developing comes more naturally and so girl wants to focus more on setting aside time to blog, rather than time to develop her thoughts. If she sets aside the time to develop slave thoughts on specific issues then sometimes her mind wanders to calculating when she needs to start cooking dinner or something equally unconnected, whereas blogging is a more practical approach.

Just Us Two

A lot of girl’s growth with Sir to date has been mental, as well as the physical. While things like asking permission, the TENS and the anklet are physical differences to her life before, often the biggest of most prolonged changes are inside her head.

There have been some voluntary – things girl has learnt or is learning, things she must remember. Others are completely out of her control.. like falling for Sir. Girl couldn’t restrain her devotion to him even if she wanted to.

Something that held dolly back at the beginning of her introduction to M/s was a concern about losing her slave mindset, like it depended on outside factors rather than being a part of her. Dolly thought behaving, or being treated, in any way outside of what she saw as typical slave behaviour would make girl want to back out of slavery too. Her opinion on that has very much changed in the past few months.

Something Sir has been doing recently is something she didn’t expect to have in an M/s dynamic, but it’s a small detail which really makes her smile.

Dolly has known for a long time that she didn’t want to be anybody’s ‘little girl’ or  ’babygirl’ in terms of a lifestyle. As a slave, she wanted an Owner rather than a Daddy. And as a slave, girl kind of figured that her name would be consistently just that, or something similarly uncomplicated. A simple name suits her, especially during times like play – after all, you wouldn’t give another piece of your property a bells-and-whistles name like ‘my very speedy car’. It’s just your car. And she’s just his girl.

But when it comes down to it, he can call her what he likes. If dolly knows it’s her he’s addressing, she could listen to respond to whatever that was. Sir rarely ever uses her proper name – he referred to her using it once and it sounded really out of the ordinary. Recently he’s called dolly ‘sweetie’ and ‘babygirl’ and the idea that they might mess with her head haven’t even come into her mind. It doesn’t change the way she acts or makes her want to be something else to him. Really, it puts a huge smile on her face because they’re little suggestions of intimacy and his feelings for her.

Girl has always known that whatever she was, she couldn’t be completely without a bit of softness, even if it was only demonstrated once a month or something. She used to love cuddles and little kisses, curling with arms wrapped around her and falling asleep in the same way. That girl is still very much a part of her.

A lot of the time, it’s the smallest things Sir does that make dolly weak. Would it be outrageous to say he’s a bit of a gentleman? As well as being completely cruel and sadistic? The sparkle he adds could be something as simple as winking at her, or it could be a more ‘wow’ moment.. there have certainly been a few!

Keeping Up Appearances

Presenting herself well is something that’s important to dolly. Paying that little bit extra attention helps her own confidence and makes her feel like she’s doing the best she can for Sir – after all, she wants to give him something nice to look at. But there are different levels of being well presented – from simple cleanliness things like brushing her hair and making sure her nails don’t look scruffy – to the kind of made up you only do for a special occasion.

When girl first started speaking to Sir, she was in a transitional kind of stage where sixth form was just finishing and was no longer structured since it was exam period, but the freedom of the summer hadn’t yet begun. She was still very much in a school headspace, and some of the way she acted reflected that.

At school, and even more so at sixth form once dolly moved from an all-girls school to a co-ed college, each day is really about looking your best. In addition to the focus on work and academic competition, there was always an underlying set of rules about how your peers expected you to look. There were the girls that dressed expensively in hot-off-the-catwalk type clothes.. for school! And then there was a noticeable difference to those who figured they were at school to work and so dressed much more casually. Dolly made a bit more of an effort most days, with the odd casual day when she knew she’d be in the library writing an essay for example, but she was never one of the really made up girls.

Despite not being, or really having any intention to be one of those girls, there was always the pressure to be one of them. You felt as if somehow you should be making much more of an effort when next to them you looked comparatively pretty casual. It was just as much about makeup as it was about clothes, and the idea of going to school without makeup was simply unheard of – 90% of the girls wore it. Since sixth form was where dolly was 5 days a week, she pretty much got used to wearing makeup almost every day and feeling not quite right without it.

Now that girl’s routine has changed – a lot of time is spent around home, being equally productive but in a different way, often on her own – the way she manages her appearance has changed too. She is hardly going to waste an hour of her morning every day to get made up if she’s going to be ironing or reorganizing a cupboard or out focused on taking photos! Instead she has time for things she didn’t before, like sit-ups, soaking in the bath or a face mask. Girl still spends the extra time if she’s going out somewhere or having a whole evening with Sir, but it’s a breath of fresh air not to feel like makeup is the only option.

Once she started being regularly on cam with Sir, dolly felt the same pressure to look right. Not from Sir directly, but from her own preconceptions based on school. Dolly wasn’t used to being seen without it, at least not feeling anywhere near presentable without it, and especially with someone new who she was trying to make her best effort for. Okay, so when you’re meeting someone new or on a first date for example, it wouldn’t be out of ordinary to make the effort. But there came a point when it wasn’t necessary anymore yet girl felt she had to . It meant taking an unnecessary block of time out from when she could be with Sir just to get ready for Sir to see her, and that ended up not making sense.

Sir was going to end up seeing girl without her makeup on at some point. Dolly confessed to him it was often the main reason she whined about putting the cam on, since even if she was looking fine she just wasn’t used to anyone seeing her without makeup on, let alone someone she wanted to make a good impression on. But there was no real reason he should be denied seeing his girl and so one way or another dolly was going to have to get around her thing about being without makeup. She’s glad now that she has – not feeling so rubbish about herself when he asks to see her immediately but  then also having the option to prepare a bit more other nights. After all, soon enough Sir himself will be doing things that don’t exactly leave dolly looking tidy.. and now that the ‘magic box’ containing the electrics has been introduced, he is already in the process!

Turning It Up

Two words: Achey girl.

There are kind of two sides to tonight’s story. One before and one during, but neither lacking in Sir’s fiendish and sadistic ways!

Dolly was left to write her blog, in a position that makes the evening she had to focus despite the bag of clothespegs beside her look like a walk in the park. Girl has been really aching for Sir today and frustrated even more because she spent the earlier part of the evening without him. Since dolly’s experiences with electrics earlier this week she’s also been looking forward to the next time Sir wanted the TENS on her. Today “looking forward” would be a bit of an understatement as girl had been needily counting down the days until the opportunity for the TENS would arise.. though whether Sir would choose to take that opportunity she couldn’t count on. It would have been just as painful in a way to have time without the TENS when she had built herself up for it.

GirL had very definitely built herself up for it today and when Sir told her to fetch it she was buzzing with that mix of excitement and anticipation and a big dose of unknown. He had mentioned getting some hot tub time in but now was talking about the electrics.. so dolly was trying to prepare herself for the unexpected. Really, she just presumed it was TENS time and that was that.

Okay, girl should have remembered Sir’s enjoyment of playing games with her head as well as with her physically. There was a new setup with the TENS – a pad above the clit and another at the top of the ass. Even that made the ache in the cunt worse – girl could feel the pressure of the pad and the wire between her legs, and she was half unsure about the effect of a different position but also really dying to be told to turn the TENS on. Then Sir explained she would start blogging with the pads on while he went off for a little while. Girl was just one click of a button away from what Sir knew she wanted so much, but it may have been miles out of reach because there was no chance of her having time with the TENS until Sir decided the time was right.

It was really hard focusing to blog, so more than half of this is being written after the time with the electrics. The TENS was having a mental effect too since the pads looked so purposeful taped to the ass and the cunt, and the addition of having to carry the TENS unit when girl left her seat really focused her on where her place is. What came first was kind of what dolly really needed – screaming, pain, thinking that if she’s told to up the intensity the TENS would surely rip her apart but in the end it really doesn’t.  Dolly really needed that side of Sir, too, when he really is sadistic and does more than just hurt her a bit. Whether it be taking her from 0 to intense pain really quickly, or letting her get used to something really pleasurable and then slowly making her lose that nice feeling.

Electrics in a way don’t require as much from Sir as other things with his girl. Once the setting is right girl is often left for a bit until it needs to be changed, rather than the more constant switching of things like clothespegs or using wax which requires more focus. Girl liked the feeling of Sir devoting his attention to other things while she could do nothing about the great amount of pain he wanted for her.

Of course, girl is coming to like the pain, even the really tough bits. Beforehand it’s something she knows she needs, and afterwards she thinks how glad she is he took her that far and how she would feel have been disappointed if Sir didn’t want to hurt her this time. It’s the middle bit, during the pain, which is obviously the tough bit, but girl felt like she understood how to open up to it more today, rather than simply not listen to how her body felt about it and have her head decide that pain = bad straight out.

The last part of girl’s evening with the electrics today was painful too, but the best pain girl has had from the TENS yet. It started on a lower vibration setting, and girl was wired in for 20-25 minutes in total with the intensity gradually being increased. Each time, girl was sure she would hate the next level and had reached as far as it could go while still being desirable as opposed to too much of a good thing. But even after she came, girl was completely lost in the feeling of it. She really does like electrics.

A masochist.. Really?

There have been a few periods throughout girl’s journey into slavery when she has wondered about fulfilling the masochistic side that she had set herself up for mentally. As well as it being a part of what she gives to Sir. If it ended up not materializing then things wouldn’t exactly be going to plan.

Girl’s ideas about being hurt had always been strong desires rather than fantasies, and she was sure about how much she wanted to like the physical things as they happened too. But mind and body don’t always co-operate. Clothespegs are things girl used to hate but now really doesn’t mind.. to say the least! Wax is something girl used to think was really pushing the boat out and testing her masochistic side.. but if the girl from a couple of months ago could only see the ‘magic box’ in dolly’s hands now.

Your ideas on and opinions about something can change over time, but sometimes the biggest change is when there were preconceived ideas about the thing but then it turns out to be quite different. Girl was really aware of this, and sometimes stressed that she would end up not being about to take what was expected of her. Or disappoint herself by not actually enjoying all these dark devious things that the mind was full of. Before Sir, girl had hardly experienced much in the way of pain because her mind would close up and not even let the idea of liking the pain come through. The idea of being able to cum purely from something that is painful was out of the question. Now, however…

Those first sessions with clothespegs were the first time girl really opened up to consistent pain being a good thing. It was much more intense and drawn-out than anything before, and girl finally realised the importance of getting into it mentally as well as physical responses.  The way her mind felt s lost in the sensations was probably as much to do with finally relaxing as it was to do with the new feelings of the clothespegs themselves.

The recent addition of the TENS to girl’s toy collection..

well, using the word ‘toys’ pretty loosely as many of them are only really toys to Sir and for dolly are meant to cause a lot of pain and frustration

..is one that girl thought she would only ever experience once she was with Sir because it seemed like a much more involved piece of tech. But actually it’s one of the simplest things to use as the pads go on and then the controls are right in dolly’s hand. The hard part is pressing the button to up the intensity, knowing there is no question about doing otherwise since Sir told girl to do so, and that it almost feels like what you need, but it also really really hurts.

But dolly really enjoys the electrical play, or at least most of it. It’s gone from being out of her reach to kind of “Wow there’s a really hurty thing in my house” as dolly is realising Sir’s wicked ways don’t have to be softened down simply because she’s across the ocean. In the grand scheme of things as his slave, TENS is just one step , but it’s gone a bit more to convincing dolly that her boddy will end up liking the pain her ind is so curious about, like has happened with the electrics

Patterns Rather Than Protocol

The girl used to be sure she wanted a really strict, micro-managed life as a slave. Meaning two things – she wanted the micro-management aspect and she also wanted to know nothing but adhering to these. In reality that’s pretty unrealistic, since you can’t predict every situation you’ll encounter whether together or apart!

But even if she’d found a protocol-mad, 10,000 slave rules kind of man, she knows now that there would have ended up being problems for different reasons too.

Girl is naturally quite an organised person. She likes routine, methodical approaches and practical solutions. Having a to-do list and ticking off jobs done so you can be sure they’re done, tidying things back into their right places. Though of course she is human and just like anybody else she has time out – you might even catch clothes on the floor of her room or empty bottles not washed and thrown out now and again!

In many ways, serving Sir appeals to methodical side of the girl. The elements of repetition, intuition based on prior knowledge and doing the same thing in a set way each time are good examples. The satisfaction of something done is another instinctive to complete tasks, in addition to wanting to please  Sir and the desire to serve for her own reasons.

What girl has learnt as she’s settled with Sir (rather than tiptoe around being sure that he was mistaking her for someone else) is that while she likes having a defined routine, she couldn’t cope with a routine that was completely and utterly rigid. It’s nice that Sir isn’t just dominant, although he is consistently dominant, or that dolly isn’t expected to speak unless spoken to all the time.

Dolly does want the micro-management aspect. It’s a huge turn on to have a specific decision made for her, however detailed. And when it’s something she imagines Sir wouldn’t care about.. well it doesn’t then matter if he cares about the answer he gave or not, it’s the fact that he has told girl and so his way is how it will be. It was exhilarating to hear him respond to dolly’s  “even if some days your decision would be girl could wear what she liked, it would still be your decision” with “more often than not that won’t be the case though”.

With Sir’s control over dolly, micro-management doesn’t mean pages of pre-defined rules – she can imagine her reading them to him would be enough to send him to sleep! Ultimately it’s not the rules that are “the law”, it’s his word, and so the main rule is really to run anything by him first. He can adapt the rules because he wants to or decide to stick to them, and it’s through this that dolly learns how best to please him and do what he expects next time. What he wants isn’t set in stone, and Sir and the girl have enough to worry about without re-writing the rule book every time the situation changes. Besides, girl likes the learning process and trying to de-code exactly what would be best when he’s half asleep and not making much sense!

Micro-management is not everyone’s cup of tea. Girl was probably right in thinking many people wouldn’t give a stuff about things like what colour her nails were painted. Until she found out that Sir was not one of these people, girl was really worried about boring him by giving him more decisions. In the quote above, she was kind of giving him an easy way to say there might be days when he really doesn’t care… and then he replied by telling her he’d always want the decision!

That was one of the things that really attracted dolly to Sir. He took power, and made it clear that he wanted to take power. There was no worrying about giving him slave qualities when he wanted a submissive, or that he might turn soft on dolly and switch off the cruel, sadistic side because it has to be one or the other. Girl needs someone who can handle what she has to give because turning it down would not put her head in the right place at all. But on top of that she needed cuddles and laughs and being able to make a joke without feeling like it was out-of-order.

Girl found that in Sir. Security. It’s what she appreciates so much because without it a lot of things could go wrong. She can have a laugh and tease him about Beevers but at the same time she doesn’t feel like the box is suddenly bigger or he is going to start calling her “babe” like she was his girlfriend. Dolly isn’t his girlfriend, she’s his slave and would feel wrong in any other position.

Girl vs. TENS: Round Two

Sir’s words to girl yesterday did include  ”Next time we’ll try it on the nipples” but she didn’t exactly think it would mean tomorrow – that’s not to say she didn’t want to play with the TENS again pretty soon! She’s learnt to expect the unexpected with Sir – whether that be a lesson in wiring or realising he wants to play with his girl even when he’s aching and worn out.

Really, dolly knew the TENS would have a big effect on the nipples. They have always been sensitive and that’s something Sir knows for sure. Plus, since the nipples are much more exposed and pads can be directly against them, the sensations are much more acute and therefore much more intense. The TENS girl owns has limitations for electrical play in that sense.

At least girl knew vaguely what to expect tonight. In a round about sort of a way. It was reassuring to know how to operate the device without having to look back to the instruction manual every time, which doesn’t exactly help her settle down and focus! There wasn’t as much faffing about as last night because she knew what to do and it was all set up. This all meant dolly wasn’t nervous, and heaven forbid she was actually quite looking forward to it.

Both today and yesterday, the TENS has been the sole thing stimulating the girl, besides fingers sometimes. As a result, she’s been completely focused on the new feelings that brings, both in the physical feelings of nothing but electricity against her skin, and also the mental images with the feelings those bring. In a way, girl was glad to be allowed to focus on the electrics so that she overcome the feeling that it was new and foreign to her. The new feeling can be an advantage, because the body doesn’t know what to expect and the element of surprise makes it more intense… but girl doesn’t think there’ll be a problem with intensity since on certain modes she didn’t get beyond level 4, and there are still different speeds to try.

Girl has found that the time with electrics really over-sensitize the body beyond where the TENS pads are specifically. It might be partly to do with having only one stimulus, although the sensitivity continues a bit beyond the machine being turned off too. Even the simplest thing like a finger on the clit or playing with the tips of the nipples suddenly made the pain feel bearable, a welcome addition, and the extra stimulus was so much more than it is any other time. But amongst all this it’s the cunt which is always achey and it was kept that way, since girl wasn’t allowed to touch.

The way that girl interprets all these sensations is different to what she expected. Girl thought it would be all about painful electrics, screaming and begging. Even when she generally doesn’t see a point in asking for something different from Sir since it’s not her place to do so, when she felt like she was already at the highest level she could take and then is told to turn it up… the situation is a little different.

Dolly has realised she does have different reactions, and different levels of a reaction, even to just the same pain. With something like clothespegs, there are generally two distinctive responses – achey whimpers as they go on and being louder as they are pulled off. But with the electrics today, reactions didn’t really correlate with intensity so much. Girl went from the lower levels with a standard kind of pleasure up to a point where she felt like it really hurt and so that’s maybe as much as she could take. That was when she was loud and barely able to catch her breath, gripping her pillow and shouting out. That was exactly how she felt she needed to react – when each “buzzzz.. zap!” she would have built herself up to dreading the intensity and needing it at the same time, and screaming because of the relief and the pain and also just because she knew it was coming.

What happened more than once was that dolly actually felt like quieting down and not thinking so much about tossing and turning but instead the way the pain itself made her feel. It wasn’t as if this was when she became accustomed to the sensations – because sometimes it was when the intensity was turned up that she just wanted to lie and listen to her Owner and focus on the rush of electricity. Other times she could do nothing but shout.

Girl wishes she could have some time just feeling the TENS. but with this distance from Sir, it comes down to what he gets out of that and the truth would be lying watching girl settle rather than toss might not be as nice. Ultimately girl wished she was bound rather than tossing, and that the TENS unit was in Sir’s hands rather than her own. It’s all very well trying to settle, but she wants to settle on the level Sir wants to watch her try to, not any mode of her own!

Pushing New Buttons

Playing with electricity. Something that’s been on the girl’s mind for a very very long time, and she’s become more curious on reading thisgirl’s weblog regularly. Today was TENS monday, and so tonight dolly finally had the opportunity to experience electrics for herself.

Girl would never, ever have played with electrics on her own. It was too intimidating, and required a bit of know-how she didn’t have and was not about to use herself as a guinea pig. Plus the whole point of electrics (or at least, that dolly has been exposed to and come to want to try) is that it goes beyond the sensuous, nice feelings and into real amounts of pain. That’s not something girl would have done without anyone pushing her – even when it’s pain she ends up liking in a way (much of the time) she isn’t the least bit sadistic and wouldn’t put herself through that. If today had been left in her hands, she would probably have ended up trying the TENS on some relaxing mode on a very low intensity and thinking she had pushed the boat out. With Sir in control though, things were kinda different.

Dolly was pretty nervous – shivering and excited but a bit scared at the same time. It was odd knowing that unlike many other things she has done with Sir – clothespegs, wax, different toys – where he was in control and could easily see things as they progressed, with the TENS there would be no visible change as it got higher and higher. At least, from the unit itself.. girl didn’t realise quite how much her reaction would change! Just like any other session, the controls would technically be in dolly’s hands although Sir would obviously be completely in control. The thought that she’d be squirming to this invisible pain when he wasn’t the one adjusting the controls himself was just a bit different to usual when he can see exactly what’s changing. The controls on the TENS unit were just as new to him as to dolly!

 

 

Sir had girl position a pad on each side of the cunt lips, near the clit, and then dolly very nervously started to up the intensity. Okay, she thought, girl can barely feel this. There’s a tingle in the clit, that’s nice. But then it got to levels 2 and 3, and girl felt the reality of this electrically induced pain she had wondered about for so long.

The unit dolly bought was nothing special. At under £20, it was the cheapest with 2 channels that she could find. There were 3 modes – knead, vibrate and tap – each with different speeds and then a 1-8 intensity level. Even that gave dolly preconceptions – tap and vibrate are all very well, but when you think of kneading it implies some sort of very rough massage in order to relax strongly knotted back muscles. But there weren’t any strong knots around the cunt!

Starting on the kneading setting, first slow then faster, was probably the best thing to push girl head first into electrical play. If she’d started with something more gentle she would have had more of a chance to get used to it gradually. E-stim creates a whole new world in play partly because you can go from 0 to very intense in a matter of seconds, unlike the time it takes for more wax or more clothespins to be added. Girl appreciated that after she came for the first time with the TENS, Sir let her start on the tapping and vibrating – less severe modes – more gradually, but the knead mode certainly made a memorable first time. It was so incredible intense all of a sudden, and before dolly had a chance to get used to how the pain felt – as she later did with the higher intensities of vibrate and tap – she was told to cum and left very definitely wanting more.

The unit it certainly a good buy. The different modes create different types of pain, as well as more teasing sensations at the lower intensities. And they left the clit throbbing even more after, not to mention the cunt creamy wet. The egg vibrator would most likely have pushed her to new levels of neediness and frustration.

So today was really, really nice. After a lonely feeling week last week as Sir was busy working on the house, it was nice to have more time than usual before bedtime to share with the person girl needs more than anyone. And she’s really glad it was Sir who got to start her journey into electrics – dolly’s his property and she’s glad there are plenty of first times he can have. Even if he is the most fiendish, sadistic man she knows and that can sometimes mean a little more pain than expected!

 

Slave Strength

Submission takes strength. For dolly to be able to serve well, she has to have herself firmly cemented before she can attend to Sir’s needs. Otherwise her own insecurities begin reflect in the way she gives herself to Sir.

Surrendering yourself doesn’t necessarily make a good slave. That’s what bugs the girl about people making all these links between submissives and pushovers. That you must have the pushover backing down easily attitude in order to submit. It wasn’t like that at all for dolly.

The ability to surrender to Sir is something she’s been learning, and it’s only come more easily as she’s settled into being his slave – it wasn’t a prerequisite to her becoming his for the taking. The way girl sees it is that there isn’t a black and white link between pushover and submissive. Outside of BDSM, dolly isn’t the pushover type – she’ll make her ideas known, speak up if somebody is hurting her feelings and consider herself just as much as anybody else. Dolly is independent and stands up for herself. She just does it in a calm, quiet manner rather than shouting and drawing attention!

Despite a seemingly un-submissive personality if you take the pushover characteristics as required, it wasn’t a struggle in the slightest to submit to Sir.

Listening and understanding it is him that speaks first, and following what he wants rather than being focused on what she girl wants felt very natural, even if it did take a bit to get used to. It was the complete surrender that took more perseverance. On the other side of the spectrum, dolly isn’t one of these people who had to be fought into submission. The strength in herself is completely independent to the amount of taken from dolly that Sir now has. Powerless definitely doesn’t equal weak.

It would be very easy to take control of a pushover, someone who wanted to give in. The girls thoughts about serving well are based around doing more than just passively following along.. even with zero control to make her own decisions dolly can still be actively using her initiative to make Sir’s life better. Dolly wasn’t searching for anyone when she met Sir, and definitely didn’t need someone controlling her to feel secure. It was a waiting game for somebody she was eager to serve – who would let girl give herself rather than take her straightaway.  Girl serves Sir of her own accord partly because yes, it comes naturally, but beyond that she serves because she wants to serve him, rather than simply wanting to serve.

Still, as his slave, girl follows the familiar route of not speaking up more than necessary.

She doesn’t follow any sort of won’t-speak-until-spoken-to, though she would if she was asked, but she just doesn’t want to disturb him. There have been a hundred times during play when, had she not considered him first, she would have asked for this or that yet still accepted a ‘no’. Considering the least strain for him though, she rarely asks because it’s not her place to. Girl has no reason to expect or think she deserves a particular decision from him – she is his girl and he can do what he likes. If he wants to do something, it wouldn’t take her asking to do so, and if he hadn’t planned on something then it’s unlikely her asking would change that.

Maybe if she was really desperate, she might. Dolly can imagine begging – she’s tormented enough! The thing is, she’d have to know Sir wanted to hear her beg – that she wasn’t just disturbing the peace with something that wasn’t approved of.

 

Helpless

Little elements from the big bundle of happiness inside dolly have been escaping today, and she’s in a wonderful mood. The happiness is, predictably, 96% centered around things concerning Sir and girl’s feelings as a slave.

But dolly’s also had a really good day – the house now being clean and tidy, and little niggles in her room now fixed means fewer to-dos cluttering her head. The issue with being incredibly happy, though, is you want to tell someone about it. Even if you don’t want to particularly shout about it, sometimes happy thoughts can just spill out. Dolly has a whole load of dreamy elaborations in her head that would put anyone else to sleep. So those are kept tucked away.

She’s been asked by a couple of girls who used to be best friends whether she had any “gossip”, and told she should “go out and get some!” but clearly that’s not what girl wants to do. Using Sir’s tactic of giving non-answers has helped with those couple of questions about dolly’s relationship status, but in a sense dolly wishes she did have someone to share her excitement with, just for a couple of minutes.

Dolly does feel like she’s grown up since she left school, and most of the teenage ideals are far from ideal with her. Something that is really different, and dolly hasn’t quite adjusted to, is adult conversation versus teenage conversation.

In relation to spilling out her excitement there’s a difference in what’s appropriate now and what was normal when among teenage friends.

How do adults express excitement?

Out with teenagers, dolly became accustomed to everybody being eager to express their excitement – shout about a new significant other, their bank statement after payday and their recent shopping spree. If you wanted to jump up and down with excitement, most likely somebody would jump up and down with you. That way they’d have you to share their own excitement with.

The issue now is that dolly no longer has a group to jump with. Not about the one thing that makes her smile most, at least. In black and white terms, dolly doesn’t really mind the “Oh, I’m sorry you’re still single” remarks or the lack of silly extravagant ways to express her excitement. What matters is that she is happy in the first place, and that Sir has a girl that makes him happy. Now and again it would just be nice to have a “This is brilliant!” moment, rather than spontaneous giggles when dolly just can’t help it.

How does a slave show excitement without it being a burden?

Girl adores Sir, and there’s no way she’d go back to having a group to jump with instead of having him. He encapsulates so much of what dolly didn’t think was out there, or didn’t think she’d have access to or be wanted by. This is another step on the road to learning to be his. Sir knows his dolly is happy, and ultimately dolly doesn’t want to repeat herself to him with more of the same. So long as he sees the hidden meaning behind saying she likes him “just a bit”!

It stems from more than not wanting to be a bother – from not wanting him to feel dolly expects the same back. Girl doesn’t hold back her affection until she knows it’ll be reciprocated – to be honest she can’t think how she’d rein it in anyway. Girl is pretty helplessly devoted to Sir. That’s the case even if he only liked her a tad himself. So girl has just been keeping the dreaminess under her belt – at least until she can be at his feet and look up rather than disturb him with saying it all the time.

As much as it is taking some adjusting to, dolly feels so at home within the box Sir has set for her.

Girl likes the learning process, being his to play with rather than able to make her own decisions. She likes when he taps into her head and reminds her that he can – all the remarks about slavery when she’s with him even though she isn’t quite yet. He’ll make the girl feel completely bound just by getting her to affirm a question he’s asked many times before.